You are delighted that your son wants you to visit his church, but when he picks you up he is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, shorts, and sandals. You don't want to show up dressed for big church when everyone else is ready for the beach, so you rush upstairs for your gym clothes. You're afraid you're going to miss the prelude, but walk in just as the music begins. Something is terribly wrong, "That sounds like a guitar. Is the organ broken?" You're a victim of worship whiplash. To avoid worship-related trauma we need to know how churches are categorized in the Yellow Pages. (If you still look in the Yellow Pages your church is probably old.) How formal, informal, traditional, contemporary, spirited, scripted, classical, or rock and roll is your church? These scientific questions will answer all your questions.
1. Which one of these words is in the name of your church?
2. What are the first words spoken in worship?
a. Praise the Lord!
b. The Lord be with you.
c. Good morning!
d. Testing, one, two.
3. What are the last words spoken in worship?
a. Praise the Lord!
b. May God look upon you with kindness and give you peace.
c. See you tonight.
d. Let's get the band back out here.
4. What is the primary musical instrument?
a. enthusiastic grandmothers
5. Where are the songs?
a. in our hearts
b. in the hymnal
c. in the hymnal, on the wall, and, on occasion, printed in the order of
d. on the wall
6. How would you describe prayers?
a. hard to hear over the electric piano
7. How many Bible verses are read during worship?
a.hard to remember
b. a Psalm, Old Testament, Gospel, and Epistle Reading
c. at least one from Paul
d. one screen's worth
8. Does the preacher sweat?
b. if the robe is wool
c. during revivals
d. during the songs
9. What does the preacher wear?
a. something that doesn't show sweat
b. a black robe
c. a nice suit
10. How would you describe the pulpit?
b. ten thousand pounds
d. What's a pulpit?
11. How old is the pastor?
a. Hard to tell
12. What do you call the pastor?
b. Reverend Doctor
13. Who is a much loved prophet?
d. Rob Bell
14. What is a favorite Bible verse?
a. Acts 2:17
b. Micah 6:8
c. John 3:16
d. "Lord, I lift your name on high"
15. Who is the preferred member of the Trinity?
b. God the Father/Mother
d. The Awesome Lord
16. Who is a favorite preacher?
a. T. D. Jakes
b. the archbishop of Canterbury
c. Rick Warren
d. Stephen Colbert
17. To what radio station do you listen?
a. The Fish
c. talk radio
d. What's a radio?
18. What's a terrible sin?
a. sitting quietly during worship
b. not recycling
d. being old
19. What kind of coffee do you drink?
b. soy latte
c. Dunkin' Donuts
20. Where do you get your news?
c. Fox News
If most of your answers are mostly
A. Get excited because you're Pentecostal!
B. Keep calm. You are liturgical.
C. Good news! You're an evangelical.
D. You're too contemporary to be taking this quiz.